I got a phone call last week, from a girl that actually introduced Brian and I. She was a high school girl that I was working with through Young Life. Very soon after I met her, I realized she was a mini-me. Same personality, same family, same sense of humor, same likes/dislikes. Amazing. This escaladed into a great mentor/mentee relationship. This year she is a freshman at Hope College, my alma mater. I really wanted her to go there and she fell in love with it instantly- just like I did. I did have some worries for her, as I knew what my temptations were when I was there. And it's a Christian college, yet it allows a lot more freedom than other schools. So being a strong Christian is really something you have to work at, amongst a lot of students, who may not even believe in God, or are not following him closely. Last week she called, and it had been a few months since I'd heard from her. As we talked, a story unfolded about her life in college and how she had strayed away, and unfortunately how after one crazy night, she woke up in the hospital. She recalled to me her memories from the event, pieced together with what other people had told her. She was nearly dead. My heart broke as I pictured her in that state, pictured her parents seeing her that way, her little brother trying to make sense of it all. By the end of our conversation, and after feeling a great sense of grief, and even guilt that I couldn't have helped her. She talked to me about something I had said in my testimony, nearly 3 years ago to her about my relationship with God and how I really got it in college. I was encouraged that she remembered so vividly what I told her, and sincerely felt that she was willing to change. Since then, she has really made some steps in the right direction, and I've been praying for her daily to fight temptation, and for real Christian people to come around and encourage her in her walk with Him. She has really been on my mind a lot, and this whole situation and it's made me realize two things:
1. The feeling of helplessness came over me as we talked. Feeling like I should have done more, or that I wanted to do more. I wanted to change things for her, to put her on the right track. I also thought of her parents, as I know them well and what they must feel. Especially as a Christian parent, you invest so much into your child and then to visit them in the hospital must have been the worst thing for them. I was faced with the question of what do you do when you feel helpless? I was quickly reminded as I read through some old journal entries at how big God is. And just maybe those times when we feel helpless, we're supposed to, because we can't play God. He is so much bigger than us, and in those times of helplessness, he wants us to turn to him and cast than upon him, so he can be God. I rejoice in that and love to be reminded at how small I am and how much I need God.
2. I was also thinking about God's will. God's will is a concept that always gets foggy or misconstrued in my head, but I often wonder why certain things happen to certain people. Especially great people. Sometimes I assume, well, that must be God's will for them. But I think that's wrong. I forget about free will. We make choices in our lives, hundreds of them a day. And yes, God is there, and we can consult Him. And yes I believe we can truly follow his will. But a lot of what life brings our way is because of our choices. Not because that was God's will for that bad thing to happen to us. But the key is that God is there with us and can work through any situation. I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me. It's also a good reminder to evaluate the decisions we make, and to keep God in the forefront of our minds when wondering what his will is for us.
Those are just some heart notes that have been on my mind- and it always helps me to write!
